Having sex is awesome.
However, hearing sex is different. Hearing sex varies anywhere from 'Awesome' to 'Lord, I hope he DOES fuck her brains out so they'd both stop.' I feel that my overall demeanor upon hearing sex-acts taking place is very much dependent on whether I'm having sex myself. I don't mean at that specific moment but speaking in generalities, although there's a lot of fun to be had during a good game of Out-Fuck the Neighbors.
If I'm having regular sex, then hearing someone (sometwo, somethree?) participating in coitus almost makes me proud, like a father watching his son hit a baseball for the first time. I say 'regular sex' as in 'sex on a somewhat consistent basis,' because we all know that 'regular sex' is a myth, and if it's not then I'm highly doubtful that it would be worth even classifying, labeling, or even participating in. Anyways, I take pride in the fact that someone else is gettin' some, as well. A smile comes across my face and I almost wanna pump my fist in the air and cheer 'em on. "Yeah, GET SOME, fellow human that also enjoys sex!" If someone's around, I might turn to them and giggle like a kid does upon hearing someone fart. "OMG, did you hear that too?!?" But whether it be pride, immature fascination, or whatever else the bottom line is this: If I'm gettin' it, hearing someone else gettin' it will get a fairly positive reaction from me. At the very least it's a eye-roll followed by, 'There they go again, those crazy kids.'
On the contrary, when I'm not having sex, hearing someone else having sex pisses me right the fuck off. My lack of that connection with another human sparks jealousy which immediately turns into utter annoyance. "Ugh! STFU, people!" Worse is when it's your neighbor. The fact that I'm going to have to have some sort of interaction with this person in the near future is enough for me to never want to know anything about their sex life. If you're not fucking me, I want to know nothing about who you're fucking, how good it is, or how vocal you need to be during.
Luckily for me, I live in an apartment sandwiched between two non-sex-having individuals; an old fat nerd and an old skinny nerd. I'm fairly certain that neither of them are banging bitches, and if they are then at least I don't hear it. But I do feel that once my luck runs out and either one of them gets loudly fucked with their headboard slamming against our shared wall, on that day I will undoubtedly lose all hope in any fairness during life. If they start banging each other against my wall I will have to kill both of them, followed closely by myself.
I realize that there is little I can do to confront or rectify the situation of having to listen to folks go at each other. I hold a strong belief that as long as what you're doing doesn't interfere with what I'm doing, do whatever the hell you want, just keep the volume at a reasonable level. There are only two exceptions to the rule, and in both cases my hands are tied and there is next to nothing that I can do about your vocal volume, and these exceptions are fucking and fighting. In both circumstances it's near impossible to just knock on the door and request the parties involved to 'keep it down.'
With only one of these circumstances is it acceptable, at times, to call the police. Of course, I have to wait for the fight to escalate to a level of violence where I actually fear for the safety of one of the individuals or myself. By the way, you have to admit that the feelings of waiting for someone's argument to erupt into chaos are some of the most anticipatory feelings you'll ever have. I just could never bring myself to call in the local authorities to complain about the volume of my neighbor's lovemaking...even when it DOES get to the point that I should be concerned about someone's safety. Look, if you put yourself in a situation (as we do) where someone is romping you from behind and passionately shouting at the top of their lungs that they want to fuck you to death, I get it, it's annoying as hell, but you're on your own.
Have some decently, folks. If I have to rub one out, the least you could do it not rub it in.
